“The porn industry doesn’t like to talk about HIV”

Interview and article by Rubén Serrano.

Telling the world that you have HIV is still a big taboo - even in 2018. Gay porn star Kayden Gray made his diagnosis public last year in a YouTube video, and since then has used his voice to inform about the condition and raise awareness. Poland-born but now based in the UK, Gray is one of the most famous names in the industry with more than 90k followers across his social media channels.

The diagnosis changed his life to such an extent that he combines his work in pornography with that of LGBT+ organisations, including Impulse London, where he helps gay men take care of their mental and sexual health. While it is crucial to have public figures like Gray open up about living with HIV to erase the fear and invisibility, above all it is more important for finding allies. Undoubtedly, Kayden Gray is an ally. He is committed to us.

You work in porn. You have lots of followers. Anyone could tell you: "Do not tell your story, you do not need to". Why did you decide to tell it?

I think I did need to be visible. (Silence). Keeping that secret was destructive and not being able to say: "yes, I am HIV positive and that’s fine". The path I took was very destructive: I took crystal meth for a long time, not only recreationally, but also on a mental level so I didn’t have to be present in my reality. I don’t think I would have been strong enough that early on if it wasn’t for Impulse… Instead of hoping for things to change and hiding, I decided to be an active part of this whole process. I decided to help my community. People consume my work - porn - where these realities are not seen; it’s clean. After discovering that I was HIV positive and witnessing what many of us are going through, I had to do it. But I don’t feel like anyone should have to if they’re not ready.

"Gay porn actor reveals that he has HIV." This was one of the headlines after you said that you were HIV positive. An easy target for stigma and judgements. Were you afraid of making it public?

Absolutely. I have been afraid of transmitting AIDS and dying of AIDS since I began to understand homosexuality. Everyone around me told me that the gays were dying because of it. I was diagnosed with HIV nine months after I started working in porn. I was afraid that someone would find out - I had nightmares. The thing that terrified me the most was telling my mother. I felt very vulnerable, but the conversation went well. She did not know how to handle it, neither did I, and that’s why I was afraid. The saddest part was not that some people told me to kill myself, but having a clear picture of just how much education is still needed on the subject. Everyone always relates it to death and says “it’s not a death sentence anymore” and stuff like that. It shows how ignorant we are.

How did your diagnosis affect you?

You are not going to believe this but I actually got my diagnosis five years ago today. [When I got my diagnosis] I felt like I was numb. I tried to cry. Funnily enough, I think I cried the tears I should have cried when I came out as HIV positive publicly. I had buried it and I lived in a large degree of denial about my status. I didn’t tell any porn company for a year-and-a-half, and stopped shooting for some companies like men.com that had a policy against –I think they still do – shooting HIV positive models. I avoided the conversation for a while because I thought it was a mixture of my background, which is quite violent and traumatic, and the gay shame from that upbringing and shame around sex.

And there I was: openly gay, having sex with lots of guys, using drugs and doing porn, so of course this was a payment back for everything I’ve been doing, right? My name comes from my fascination with Dorian Gray. I was fascinated by that character and then I thought that prophecy had been fulfilled. It was as if I had a portrait in my attic that I did not want to show because it revealed that I was a monster. Of course, none of that is true, but I can imagine a lot of people thinking the same thing when they receive the diagnosis.

Have you been blamed for having HIV?

I didn’t know how to have that conversation. Eventually, I started opening up and it was quite difficult. Everyone will go through the process of being ready to talk about that. Disclosing you have HIV is not something you owe to the people because you are not guilty of anything. Disclosing you have HIV is something you offer to people when you are comfortable enough and it’s healthy for you. No one can demand you to disclose it.

Did you get the support from the porn industry when you went public with your diagnosis?

Yes; absolutely yes. I got some support even though the porn industry does not like to talk about HIV. Tell me how many HIV positive porn stars have come out and have remained visible. They could not because there is a lot of pressure, the stigma is very high and people would say nasty things to you. A year ago I did not want to devote more time to porn because I was on anti-anxiety and depression pills and I did not have a libido. However, I decided to continue with porn so I would not be one more person that people remembered like, "He was doing porn, he ended up with HIV and the end of his career".

Just to be clear: you do not blame the porn industry for having HIV?

No, of course not. I do not have HIV because of porn and, in fact, I never shot without a condom before receiving the diagnosis, because of the stigma that unprotected sex has. Some will think that, although now I am HIV positive and undetectable, I do not perform bareback (a type of porn in which condoms are not used) because as I have the virus I can not film bareback, but it is more complicated than that.

So why do you not do bareback?

In our western bubble we do not think about the implications that bareback filming has on the rest of the world. There are places on the planet where HIV is deadly and people die of AIDS. You have to think about the impact that having no condom can have on people who see this adult content. Maybe they'll think "ah, I'm going to do it that way too". I will not condemn someone who does bareback, but I would like to get people to evaluate it, because the impact we have with porn does not only lead to HIV. I work for a global organisation that offers services to people with HIV. Their hands are tied because, although they have funds, the money they need is immense. Anything that prevents this problem from getting bigger, I'll support it. That's why I do not do bareback porn.

Do we imitate bareback without thinking about what it entails?

Of course. If you think about it, we are raised on porn. Before anyone told me about sex, my parents told me, "if you get a girl pregnant, I throw you out of the house" or "do not get HIV, because it will kill you". People live their sexuality with fear and shame. We learn about sex through pornography: we learn that consent is not necessary, that the penis having shit after fucking is unacceptable, that condoms are not necessary; it is totally crazy.

Some people, especially homosexual men, think that they will not get HIV because they do not go to sex parties or have many sexual partners. What would you say?

Wake up! You do not have to go to sex parties or be promiscuous to get HIV. Saying "I’ll never have it" is like saying "I'm better than them." It is a way of thinking that ends in slut shaming and nobody deserves that.

You responded to a fan on Twitter who told you "what a pity that Kayden has HIV". Is this the type of comments that you usually receive?

I receive comments like that regularly but not very often. It's hard to know if that person wanted to feel sorry for me, pity or just be cruel. I replied with: “you do not have to cry for me, because that would mean reducing me to the virus and that is not fair.” The problem is that people are afraid to talk about it. Many prefer not to say anything and leave their doubts unanswered. I used to feel deeply hurt when someone said "oh, he has AIDS". It was like that was going to be part of my daily life, right?

What consequences has HIV left to the gay community?

When AIDS was discovered, it was called GRID (which stands for gay-related immune deficiency). We have always been blamed for having HIV and we still have not recovered. That is the way in which our society has been built; that is, fundamentally homophobic. We have RuPaul Drag Race, PrEP and other things that celebrate what we are, but when it comes to sex, HIV amplifies an unpleasant shame that we carry on our backs, especially among homosexual men and trans people. It affects us in a way that we do not even perceive. That said, homosexual men have been at the forefront of this struggle, but HIV has also affected the black community and trans and non-binary people. We have different challenges.

You are one of the few visible faces that have gone public with their HIV diagnosis. Many people, especially young gay men, will receive accurate information about the virus for the first time thanks to your messages. Why do we not know about more public figures who live with HIV?

Governments and authorities, at their different levels, have shown that they do not give a fuck. Ronald Reagan refused to acknowledge that the AIDS crisis was taking place. I can not tell you exact reasons, but homophobia is behind HIV being so poorly represented. The BBC recently broadcast the documentary The People vs The NHS, which shows how the British public health service refused to finance PrEP [the pill that prevents HIV]. They took him to court and the judge ruled that they had not acted well. Behind that decision was the speech of "these evil, promiscuous gays, they will drug themselves, they will all fuck with everyone and what will we do next?". Again, there is this irrelevant homophobic point being made. The fact that HIV is not very visible has a lot to do with it still being thought of as just a gay thing.

PrEP will be introduced in Spain soon. Some critical voices suggest that it will increase STIs and promote having sex without a condom. What would you say?

Who are these people? In the UK we have had PrEP for a long time and no rise in risky sexual practices has been observed because the people who use it are people who fuck without a condom anyway, whether they have HIV or not. That’s the reality. Telling someone to do something [having sex with condoms] without trying to understand them and judging them is not going to change their minds. The problem [of having unprotected sex] is denying that you have been exposed to HIV and not going to get tested. When you do not have anxiety about “catching” HIV, you have a happier demography with their sexuality, and you are more likely to be in control of your sexual health and you will go to get tested.

Barcelona and Madrid have declared chemsex as a public health problem. How can we confront it?

I have my stories with chemsex, because it has affected me personally. We need to start paying attention to the mental health problems in our community. If chemsex is spreading, it is because we are traumatised. According to journalist Johann Harry, addiction is connected to our satisfaction, our happiness and to whether we want people to see us. There are many LGTB + people who do not want to be visible because of the discrimination, bullying and messages that they have received; that we are not the same, that we can not get married and that we better not hold hands in the street. Now we can do it, but we couldn’t before.

People like to say that gay people have lost their fear of HIV. It is true?

No, not at all. Part of the fear is gone, because you will not go to the funeral of a 21-year-old friend of yours who had several Kaposi sarcomas and whose body was disintegrating. That does not happen anymore. There is a little more equality, we have preventive tools such as PrEP, we have psychological support and that has caused much of the fear to disappear. So if part of that fear is gone, thank God, because we deserve it to be gone.

What would you say to someone who has just found out they are HIV positive?

Take your time, because it can be difficult and dark; although it does not have to be. It's okay to be sad and feel pain. The number one advice is that you go to therapy, counselling and ask for help. Another important thing: try to be open to integrating [HIV in your life] because it will bring change. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

What does living with HIV mean to you today?

(Long silence) It is one of the most traumatic things that I have ever gone through and also what has changed my way of being the most, because it took me out of my comfort zone. It made me evaluate what it means to be alive. It took me down a road that is probably the best thing that has happened to me, since it made me think of all the people I wanted. I want people to know that they are not alone. It can be hard, but it is manageable and it is possible to remain happy.