Should you have a threesome with your partner? Here's how it might go

So you’re thinking about having a threesome - or you’ve ever thought about that Holy Grail of a ‘free pass’ to fuck another person while your significant other either joins in, or watches. Who hasn’t thought about it? We’re only human.

Threesomes enjoy an enduring cultural fascination. The ménage à trois has biblical status - literally. The Book of Genesis details Lamech (descendant of Cain) who shares a ménage à trois relationship with Adah and Zillah, and Jacob with his wives, Rachel and Leah, for example. Although monogamous relationships between two people are still ‘the norm’ in Western societies, polyamory is fast becoming a very popular ideal, according to London-based sex and relationship expert Stella Anna Sonnenbaum. Fetishisation of three-ways used to be the sticky wet dream of heterosexual men - particularly in pornography - but now more people of all gender identities, sexualities and ages are open to the idea.

Are we living through another sexual revolution? Is three really better than two? As liberal and open-minded as we can be about the ménage à trois, threesomes are notoriously tricky to navigate. ‘The thing that people often fail to recognise is that inviting another into your monogamous relationship means that you are not monogamous anymore,’ Sonnenbaum says, ‘And that can change everything; for the good of course, but it can also be a disaster.’

Sonnenbaum cites a number of key things to consider before even thinking about having a threesome - good communication, clear rules, awareness about why you are trying it, and choosing the ‘guest star’ carefully - but here, we have gone a step further and created a list of the potential situations you may find yourself in if you think three’s a party, and two’s a crowd.

Worst-case scenario

You suggest a threesome to your partner. They tell you to go fuck yourself, cry about you being attracted to other people, and and then break up with you. It happens, says Sonnenbaum.

Sexual (re)awakening

This is the best day of your fucking life.

You’re confused

This is all just really confusing. There are so many limbs. So many holes. What should go in where? And when? Should you put your legs up, or roll over into doggy? Is it better to use your hands or mouth? Why does your right arm always seem to be in the way? It’s a minefield.

It’s really fucking awkward

You’re (probably) not a pornstar. This is not a Hollywood movie. It is real life. Sex between two people can be awkward enough, so add in one more to the equation and things can get really fucking awkward. Maybe the sexual chemistry is off, perhaps the positioning of each individual is clunky, or the potential man (or men) in question just came after five seconds. This is painful - and not in a kinky way.

A Band-Aid for a bullet hole

‘Don’t have a threesome when your relationship is at a critical moment,’ Sonnenbaum explains, ‘Having a threesome for the wrong reasons can be a disaster.’ If you think your failing relationship will improve by fucking or playing with someone else, you might be sorely mistaken. You believe you just need a bit more spice. A bit of danger. Some fire. But, in reality, you realise that you’re not right for each other and this experience just confirmed it.

Experimenting with sexuality

You explore your bisexuality. You don’t explore your bisexuality. You realise you’re not as binary as you thought you were. You realise actually you really are that binary. You like BDSM play. You don’t like BDSM play. Everything is up for grabs - you’re breaking taboos down one sexual experience at a time.

Desire factor

For sake of argument, let’s say you’re a straight man in this case. Your partner wants to invite another man into the bedroom. You are open to the idea. You make arrangements. But you’re not attracted to him. His penis is bigger than yours and it is making you insecure as well. What if it’s more effective than mine?, you think. And uh oh, you look down, and you’ve gone soft.

This is why threesomes between people attracted to the same sex can be more easy to navigate than those in heterosexual relationships, Sonnenbaum says. And most often, she claims, heterosexual couples invite other women to join them because of this issue.

The guest star

OK, you and your SO have decided to go for it and arrange a threesome. But who are you going to ask? Your work colleague you have to sit in meetings with everyday? Your best friend? A sex worker? Your partner’s school friend you have always thought was a 10/10?

This is fucking funny

That 'fanny fart' was hilarious.

Three’s a crowd

You’re feeling left out. Your partner seems to be really enjoying some one-on-one time with this other person. You’re sat on the chair watching them. It should be turning you on, but actually you just feel burning pangs of jealousy. And boredom.

It’s messy

Bodily fluids abound. Lube dripping from the wall. Stains on the sheets. This isn’t as glamorous and sexy as it looks in porn movies.

Addicted

You have reached peak sexual experience. You can’t go back to the monogamous two-person set-up. You need more. More sex. More people. Just more.

Crazy little thing called love

You have accidentally fallen in love with the guest star. Fuuuuck.